Falling down

With all this emotional craziness going on and all the grey with the weather I have been longing for the sun.

The sun finally comes out and I decide that I am going to go for a nice bike ride. My bike has been sitting for two seasons so it needed some work, on my breaks from work I head to the hard ware store to get some WD40 and a new air pump. I get back and grease up the chain, pump up the tires and pray the sun stays out long enough for this to happen. The end of the work day finally comes, I get my music ready, hop on the bike and start riding down the road. All seems good, there are a few clicks and bumps here and there but for the most part it was going ok. I get a about a mile down the road and then it completely locks up and down I go. My magical sunshine filled ride resulted in me falling! Of course part of the gears come off and get stuck in the tire making it where the back tire doesn't spin and almost impossible to push it back to the house. I am now trying to kick, stand on, and push the freaking chain to break it so I can pull the gear thingy out of the tire. My hands are greasy, it's cold (but the sun is still out) dogs are barking, cars are driving by slowly staring. Finally I get things bent and moved and the gear thingy comes out of the tire and I start my walk back. I was only supposed to be gone for thirty minutes but that turned into an hour and fifteen. Can you say hot mess? Or in this case a cold one? Nothing turns out the way you think it will or least nothing I think. This magical bike ride turned into a long walk back pushing a broken bike and with me dirty with grease all over me. I got to thinking about this whole thing I'm trying to do and realized that it's fitting this should happen.

I am trying the most I've ever tried to be a better person which isn't really taking the route I thought it would but then again life never does right?

Ugh!!!! I'm not to keen on dealing with real feelings especially when they are mine. Who knew that trying to deal with such a physical problem would bring out so much emotional junk that you then have to deal with. It turns out I am a lot more messed up than I ever let on or truly believed. Having to deal with these inner torments is not fun and it kind of freaks me out. Right now I feel like I have been cut open and all the messy bits that I try to hide from the world are laying out for all to see. I've had total emotional breakdowns in front of my best friend and shared that with close friends. Being vulnerable is hard and uncomfortable and scary!

I'm in a time of purging I think so my entire life seems like a disaster but rarely does it seem like anything else. All that lame crap that they talk about on talk shows about how you have to deal with the inside before you can fix the outside is so annoying!! Yet again I think it might be true which mostly just makes me want to punch them all in the face!

ok ok this turned out to be longer than I intended!! Sorry for anyone who actually reads this.

Next up a Doctor Oz Detox Cleanse... did you just hear ominous music? yeah me too!

Second quarter begins

So As I've stated before I am a slacker! We've made it through the holidays and now glorious spring is upon us. woop woop

Once January came it was time to get down to business after all we are now in the year that 30 happens.

I have started talking more about my struggles with weight and eating healthy because the more you talk about it the more people are willing to help.

My BBF's mom is now walking with me in the mornings and holding me accountable for what I eat. Which let me tell you having to report what you eat to a healthy person is a good humiliation tactic to eat healthy. Nothing is more depressing as when you report that you ate french fries and the look of disappointment on the the healthy thin face looking back at you. Sad times!

Walking and jumping rope have been kind of awesome and horrible at the same time. I have to admit I feel more limber and I can tell I have more energy. And I know it sucks to hear people say it but exercising in the morning really does help your day. It's the craziest thing, I guess it's like what they've always told us about those endorphins.. who knew they were telling the truth?

Who knew that waking up early, asking for help, and trying to keep up behind your friends mom would be the ticket? Let me tell you a little bit about my morning walks with my friends mom, she is awesome by the way. She is a lifetime exerciser who literally walks circles around me. The first time I kept up (not great but ok) because my body thought this is a one time thing I can do anything one time. Then the second time it was like hey wait this is too much I'm sore. She chose a route that takes us on various hills and the second time up that hill I thought OMG I'm going to pass out and vomit. Then it went to OMG I'm going to vomit, pass out into my own vomit, she is going to have to call 911 then they are going to come see me in mismatched clothes, no make up, and vomit covered all because I am walking up this hill. Talk about embarrassing!!!!!!

The Hill, my nemesis is pictured below!! It may not look that bad to you but to this fat girl it is a huge thing!! Remember when I said I ate french fries after that we started doing the hill twice. She is so awesome though because now we listen to the Rocky theme song while going up it on those really hard days.



Anyway I will report that I have lost about 23 lbs since January and now the even scarier part starts. Some how maintaining commitment to continue eating better and exercising. ugh!!! Why couldn't I have been born skinny with a high metabolism?

I mean being fat is wearing your struggle for all to see and talk about behind your back. Not fun!! So now like everyone else we have to get all Dr. Phil and look inside ourselves to determine why we are the way we are. Why do we choose to hurt ourselves? And I know that some people are overweight because of an imbalance or medicines or a whole hosts of things. But the fact of the matter that we all have to face, is that it's up to us to adjust. We have to find ways around those things and to be honest. Up until now I haven't been willing enough to be vulnerable and admit that I suck at this even though everyone could see I sucked at it I couldn't actually say it. And for me that is what it is taking.

My Dr. Phil moments have come with my best friend who is thin and pretty and always has been. Who has always let me talk about my fatness and recently she has pushed me to be more honest with myself, something that I very much appreciate. Being fat isn't fun and again I know that I am speaking for myself because there are those really awesome confident women out there who are just great and wear their fatness well. I am not one of them, it plays into all my craziness, contributes to my social awkwardness and is a huge factor in my self worth. I'm not saying that losing weight will cure me of all those inside things but it sure as hell is making me deal with them.

I mean I'm not saying that I'm ever going to be in the right weight range for my height because lets face it I have a big head and I don't particularly want to look like a bobble head. However I also don't want to be that person that you are pissed you have to sit beside on the airplane. I'm looking for something in the middle.

Side notes on the rest of my self improvement project. My hand writing is still bad but better. I am early spring cleaning and throwing a bunch of crap away! Made it to the dermatologist(big deal). I have now have three different skin creams. I will be starting a new job at the end of this month. Found a night cream for my face that I really like. Drinking more milk so I can have strong bones and not shrink.

So, I'm no where close to being that person I wanted to be when I was a kid but I'm working on it. I know it will more than likely take my whole life but I can only be mad at myself if I never try. I know this is lame and feely but that's where I am right now.

Once again I am going to try to do better about posting more often.