Mid Third Quarter ....... time for the Kitchen Sink!

So I'm now in the middle of the Third quarter which is crazy terrifying!

I still have so much to do and not enough time to do it! EEK!!!!

So I've joined a boot camp and signed up for an indoor cycling class. Still trying to learn to run(not doing so good at that).

The Boot Camp is rough but not so rough to stop going. Granted I can't do everything they do just the way they do it or as many times but I'm still moving and sweating and calling out to God for help.(I'm pretty sure He understands where I'm coming from) My sweet best friend went to the first class with me so I didn't have to go by myself. How do people not have friends?

The good thing about the boot camp is everyone is so focused on their own work out they don't point and laugh at the whale of a person falling over like a Rollie Pollie. Again humiliation is a huge incentive to be better. So far I've done only done boot camp for 3 days and it's a 7 week program. Week one down six to go, so Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays I'll be sweating and more than likely crying.

I won't start indoor cycling until next week and that is also kind of scary but my work best friend will be doing it with me so that's awesome. Things are so much easier with a partner! Kind of nervous about it because it's at the college extension so that just seems like another opportunity for fat girl humiliation. This class will be on Wednesdays and Fridays.

I'm still trying that stupid couch to 5k thing but running just isn't easy for me. I don't think it's supposed to be but I do wish it was! Those people who are like running clears my mind, it's so refreshing blah blah blah. They also need to say it's hard and it hurts. Oh and by the way when you're fat unless you have on a compression suit all that fat is jerking up and down causing a different kind of hurt than just an exercise burn. Can fat be sore from being jostled around? Yes I do believe it can. EMBARRASSING!!!

So see I'm throwing the kitchen sink at this junk! I'm going back to slim fast and adding in some juicing as far as my food intake goes. I'm going to head to the Doctor to get a quick physical. This coming week I have a therapist appointment to start working on that inside crap that tries to ruin everything!

One more quick note about friends - everyone needs them, to have people on your side who care, who you would do anything for and who would do anything for you. Friends who are your family. I am extremely fortunate to have a few people who listen to me throughout this craziness, pray, encourage, and cry with me. I love them and I want to say that publicly!

I'm trying to be singularly focused this last little bit. I'm planning on having a great summer with pretty happy flowers and sun tans!

Intermediate goal is to lose at least 40 pounds before our next biometric screening at work. That happens in mid July, scary times!!

High Highs & Low Lows

Emotional crazies are not fun!!!!

But being off work and having a little retreat with your BFF makes things better.

Life can be really awesome sometimes and really F'ed up other times. Those days when you feel sad for no reason other than the horrible fear that your life might not get to be what you've always wanted it to be. It is a terrifying heartbreak.

I've joked that this year is a sabbatical from life for me. Because I was working from home and singularly focused on my goals before the next decade of my life starts. Then came all these emotions and the realization of how my negativity towards myself affects all of my relationships. And that just freaking sucks!! The biggest relationship of my life, the one with God is the hardest one to come to terms with. I feel terrible that I have turned to myself to try to control my hurt. He is so good and loves us so much and I want my actions to show him that and they just haven't been. So for the past little bit I think I have been derailed from my goals for a lot of reasons. I've let my emotions overtake me and just wallowed in them. I'm back in the office for a bit. But I'm heading to the therapist to help with the mind stuff while I'm dealing with the physical stuff. I'm going to be working from home more days a week and I'm being embarrassingly honest with people around me.(like Taylor Swift embarrassing)

My little retreat with my BFF reminded me how special people are to us. I've always known that I've loved being around people but there is something different about being around your people. The ones who say the real stuff to you, who are unashamed of bias for being on your side no matter what. We laughed, cried, stayed up late talking, shopped, all kinds of things, we were able to just be. And it was nice and ridiculous. Being in Target for four hours, eating lunch at Starbucks(in the Target), reaching a point of exhaustion but continuing on.

I think this post seems kind of down but trust me I've got some embarrassing couple of weeks ahead that I will being sharing about soon. Until then I've posted a song below which I think is sort my little theme song for this crazy, insane, hurtful, beneficial, sometimes fun part of my life. Hopefully you'll get it and I want have to explain why it's funny.

Independent "Flims"

So I embarked on the 3 day cleanse promoted by Dr. Oz but not before my new little nephew decided he was ready to be born. Contributing to the truth that nothing happens the way you plan for it.

So a quick side note before we get to the detox -
I love all my nephews and niece, and all my friends kids. I love them very much! However when I was sitting in that hospital room holding him, I felt like my womb was so pissed off at me! It was all "what are you waiting on?" I mean again, the proverbial they seem to know what they are talking about. The biological clock crap is no joke. As you get older you start to really get freaked out about not having kids. And every new little baby you hold you start to think "I've got to get one of these."

All these crazy getting older thoughts are running through my head when I'm trying to pep myself up for this detox.


Damn you Dr. Oz!!!!! This three day cleanse or detox was hilarious. First off, buying so many fresh fruits and vegetables is really expensive.(I know that sounds bratty b/c it's so healthy) The morning blended fruits and vegetables wasn't too bad but the lunch time drink tastes like straight up grass and the supper drink is hot and spicy. Crazy town! I'm drinking them out of a wine glass trying to make it better sometimes having to use a spoon. Some how I made it but I did slip up and eat some solid food. So not full on so I'm going to try it again.

Here is the Lunch time grass


After the detox was done I went to donate blood. They always have a rough time finding my veins so that wasn't a surprise but my blood coming out so slowly was. It was barley moving and they kept having to adjust the needle to get it going again. Which resulted in my bag not filling up and being told that I was dehydrated. Dehydrated?! Really, I mean I've been drinking for 3 days! But out the needle came. That was the first time I was unable to finish and it was very disappointing. The giant bruise on my arm was a reminder to drink tons of water no matter what else I may be drinking!!

On to working days -
Now days I am back in the office for most days which is a huge temptation to eat poorly simply because it's easy. Turns out procrastinating and dieting aren't the best of companions. However I've started trying to do the couch to 5k thingy. Which isn't super fun either. But I'm trying it. If I don't want to be seen trying to run I have to get up crazy early. And for no one to see me trust me it's worth it!

It was still cold out when I first started. That first time I had woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep. I started praying and realized/felt convicted that for most of my life I have used food and my weight as a comfort and sort of protection from the wounds of this world. I turned to something that wasn't God to be my comfort and protection. I don't know how I just now realized how not good that was, just how much that has affected my relationship with him. As much as I've wanted to or thought I had, I realized that I have not giving everything up to him. I have not allowed him to be everything to me. That is some heavy crap to confess and deal with at 3 in the morning. I started on my run/walk thing at 5 with a hat, scarf, gloves, headphones, and a play list. The moon was full, bright and high above the trees. Once I get half way my little app tells me that it's time to start heading back. When I turn to head back this very sad little song starts to play, the moon is before me and a thought strikes me. This moment, this fat girl break down, running in the early morning, crying in prayer, confessing my struggle, is like a freaking crazy, don't know if it's going to end happy independent movie. You know the kind where you see the trailer and you're like, "I want to see that but I don't know, it seems kind of sad, like it might not end happy." Sometimes they really surprise you and you love them. Other times you watch them and are asking yourself did I just really waste 2 hours of my life on this just to feel depressed? ugh I really hope mine turns out to be scenario number 1. I will say some days I just don't know how this is going to go but keeping I must!





I'm putting a picture of myself because I want to remember what this time looks like no matter how sad it sometimes is! It's 5 in the morning, no make up don't judge!

Right, so I'm not a writer so never judge me as one, I know this has been crazy spastic!

Falling down

With all this emotional craziness going on and all the grey with the weather I have been longing for the sun.

The sun finally comes out and I decide that I am going to go for a nice bike ride. My bike has been sitting for two seasons so it needed some work, on my breaks from work I head to the hard ware store to get some WD40 and a new air pump. I get back and grease up the chain, pump up the tires and pray the sun stays out long enough for this to happen. The end of the work day finally comes, I get my music ready, hop on the bike and start riding down the road. All seems good, there are a few clicks and bumps here and there but for the most part it was going ok. I get a about a mile down the road and then it completely locks up and down I go. My magical sunshine filled ride resulted in me falling! Of course part of the gears come off and get stuck in the tire making it where the back tire doesn't spin and almost impossible to push it back to the house. I am now trying to kick, stand on, and push the freaking chain to break it so I can pull the gear thingy out of the tire. My hands are greasy, it's cold (but the sun is still out) dogs are barking, cars are driving by slowly staring. Finally I get things bent and moved and the gear thingy comes out of the tire and I start my walk back. I was only supposed to be gone for thirty minutes but that turned into an hour and fifteen. Can you say hot mess? Or in this case a cold one? Nothing turns out the way you think it will or least nothing I think. This magical bike ride turned into a long walk back pushing a broken bike and with me dirty with grease all over me. I got to thinking about this whole thing I'm trying to do and realized that it's fitting this should happen.

I am trying the most I've ever tried to be a better person which isn't really taking the route I thought it would but then again life never does right?

Ugh!!!! I'm not to keen on dealing with real feelings especially when they are mine. Who knew that trying to deal with such a physical problem would bring out so much emotional junk that you then have to deal with. It turns out I am a lot more messed up than I ever let on or truly believed. Having to deal with these inner torments is not fun and it kind of freaks me out. Right now I feel like I have been cut open and all the messy bits that I try to hide from the world are laying out for all to see. I've had total emotional breakdowns in front of my best friend and shared that with close friends. Being vulnerable is hard and uncomfortable and scary!

I'm in a time of purging I think so my entire life seems like a disaster but rarely does it seem like anything else. All that lame crap that they talk about on talk shows about how you have to deal with the inside before you can fix the outside is so annoying!! Yet again I think it might be true which mostly just makes me want to punch them all in the face!

ok ok this turned out to be longer than I intended!! Sorry for anyone who actually reads this.

Next up a Doctor Oz Detox Cleanse... did you just hear ominous music? yeah me too!

Second quarter begins

So As I've stated before I am a slacker! We've made it through the holidays and now glorious spring is upon us. woop woop

Once January came it was time to get down to business after all we are now in the year that 30 happens.

I have started talking more about my struggles with weight and eating healthy because the more you talk about it the more people are willing to help.

My BBF's mom is now walking with me in the mornings and holding me accountable for what I eat. Which let me tell you having to report what you eat to a healthy person is a good humiliation tactic to eat healthy. Nothing is more depressing as when you report that you ate french fries and the look of disappointment on the the healthy thin face looking back at you. Sad times!

Walking and jumping rope have been kind of awesome and horrible at the same time. I have to admit I feel more limber and I can tell I have more energy. And I know it sucks to hear people say it but exercising in the morning really does help your day. It's the craziest thing, I guess it's like what they've always told us about those endorphins.. who knew they were telling the truth?

Who knew that waking up early, asking for help, and trying to keep up behind your friends mom would be the ticket? Let me tell you a little bit about my morning walks with my friends mom, she is awesome by the way. She is a lifetime exerciser who literally walks circles around me. The first time I kept up (not great but ok) because my body thought this is a one time thing I can do anything one time. Then the second time it was like hey wait this is too much I'm sore. She chose a route that takes us on various hills and the second time up that hill I thought OMG I'm going to pass out and vomit. Then it went to OMG I'm going to vomit, pass out into my own vomit, she is going to have to call 911 then they are going to come see me in mismatched clothes, no make up, and vomit covered all because I am walking up this hill. Talk about embarrassing!!!!!!

The Hill, my nemesis is pictured below!! It may not look that bad to you but to this fat girl it is a huge thing!! Remember when I said I ate french fries after that we started doing the hill twice. She is so awesome though because now we listen to the Rocky theme song while going up it on those really hard days.



Anyway I will report that I have lost about 23 lbs since January and now the even scarier part starts. Some how maintaining commitment to continue eating better and exercising. ugh!!! Why couldn't I have been born skinny with a high metabolism?

I mean being fat is wearing your struggle for all to see and talk about behind your back. Not fun!! So now like everyone else we have to get all Dr. Phil and look inside ourselves to determine why we are the way we are. Why do we choose to hurt ourselves? And I know that some people are overweight because of an imbalance or medicines or a whole hosts of things. But the fact of the matter that we all have to face, is that it's up to us to adjust. We have to find ways around those things and to be honest. Up until now I haven't been willing enough to be vulnerable and admit that I suck at this even though everyone could see I sucked at it I couldn't actually say it. And for me that is what it is taking.

My Dr. Phil moments have come with my best friend who is thin and pretty and always has been. Who has always let me talk about my fatness and recently she has pushed me to be more honest with myself, something that I very much appreciate. Being fat isn't fun and again I know that I am speaking for myself because there are those really awesome confident women out there who are just great and wear their fatness well. I am not one of them, it plays into all my craziness, contributes to my social awkwardness and is a huge factor in my self worth. I'm not saying that losing weight will cure me of all those inside things but it sure as hell is making me deal with them.

I mean I'm not saying that I'm ever going to be in the right weight range for my height because lets face it I have a big head and I don't particularly want to look like a bobble head. However I also don't want to be that person that you are pissed you have to sit beside on the airplane. I'm looking for something in the middle.

Side notes on the rest of my self improvement project. My hand writing is still bad but better. I am early spring cleaning and throwing a bunch of crap away! Made it to the dermatologist(big deal). I have now have three different skin creams. I will be starting a new job at the end of this month. Found a night cream for my face that I really like. Drinking more milk so I can have strong bones and not shrink.

So, I'm no where close to being that person I wanted to be when I was a kid but I'm working on it. I know it will more than likely take my whole life but I can only be mad at myself if I never try. I know this is lame and feely but that's where I am right now.

Once again I am going to try to do better about posting more often.

Slacker

So it turns out the only thing that I am consistent at is inconsistency.
I will be adding that to my list!

In my sad defense several things have happened in my time away from this blog.
• My BFF had her first born, a beautiful baby girl
• I went on vacation (total vacation)
• I had a biometric screening (depressing)
• Started a new diet plan
• I started going to Zumba (inconsistently of course)
• My job went crazy and then I started working from home
• September came and ruined everything (fall is not a fav time of mine)

We will start with my biometric screening:
Picture this; I roll into work tan, care free, and happy from vacation only to find out that my health gets to be assessed that very day. I knew it was going to happen but right after vacation is a real bummer especially considering that I ate a Krispy Kreme doughnut every other day that week. Finding a primary doctor is on my list of life improvements so I decide to not stress about being told how unhealthy I am because in the long run this is good and it will be something helpful to take to my new doctor. I head downstairs to sign in and to get this over with. While waiting my turn I notice that there are two people doing the actual screenings one a woman and the other a man. I thought to myself “don’t freak out you’ll probably get the slightly overweight woman,” I was wrong. When my name was called it was by the young attractive non-ring wearing man. In I go to the makeshift examination room where said man takes my blood pressure, sugar, cholesterol, height, weight, and circumference of my stomach. Yes, that happened and it was horrible. As soon as my name was called I decided to act, or to pretend as I’ve done for most of my life that, pretend that I am more confident than I really am. A quick banter started between us, he was very nice, witty and upsetting. In a polite way he said that perhaps I should try lap band. It was everything I could do not to cry but I replied with a laugh and then the most sarcastic thing I could think of. So needless to say it was fun times. There is nothing like a fat person being told they are unhealthy and need to lose weight by an attractive skinny person. Good times, good times!

I moved past that and laughed and told the story to ease the depression.

My new diet plan which is done by my BFF’s mom is working which is awesome. Slow, but weight watchers always says it’s a life style change right?!
I’ve started going to Zumba which is fun and embarrassing. I am glad there are no mirrors because I probably wouldn’t go if I saw myself jiggling around.

I have one more week of being 28 and then my 29th year will begin and I will have just 12 months to make this miracle happen. I can’t believe my life is going like this, I mean it isn’t horrible my life is good. I just want to press pause catch up with everyone and then press play again but that is not how life happens. Hopefully this next year will be a gloriously fun one with me actually trying to be a better person.
Cheers to my last week of sounding even a teensy bit young. I’m off to drink some pinot grigio!

Here we go!

In fifteen months I will be thirty, thirty, I mean what the heck?

This realization of my last months as a twenty something has resulted in me having a freak out session that is lasting kind of long and manifesting in a ginormous list of how I can be a better person. On this list is of course are health and overall happiness two things that consistent exercise can improve......womp womp womp!

Don’t get me wrong I’ve exercised before I’m not a complete newbie to this game but I’ve never been consistent. I’ve always given up; I have an okay start and then a really sorry follow through. I want to change that; I want to be someone who follows through whether it is a craft project or a household chore (also on the list). I don’t want to turn thirty and still be the same procrastinating inconsistent person. Life can have as many mile markers as we want it to and I know thirty doesn’t mean I’m “old” but I want it to mean something. The more mile markers you have the more likely you are to remember the trip and I want to have memories and hilarious stories to tell when I am golden girl “old.”

Let the endorphins begin: Day 1 Yoga


Alright, alright, alright
Yoga.... not for the overweight!

I am sure there is some really fantastic limber overweight person somewhere that is crazy good at yoga.... I am not that person! My yoga expeirence started with a Denise Austin video and ended with me, wait for it .. Sweatin' to the Oldies with Richard.

I think Denise failed to realize it is physically impossible to bend something that is round like a ball, it can't happen. I was so discouraged and upset with Denise. I had to revert to old faithful, the work out video that never lets me down. I mean Richard knows how fat people work and more importantly how they don't work, he was one of us. And yes he is kind of crazy we all know that but he is also kind of awesome too! He puts real live fat people in his workout videos letting the fat person at home know that it is possible to do this because there are fatter people than you doing it!

So for now I will be ponying it up with Richard in hopes of losing a few lb.’s and flexible mediation will have to wait until this fat girl is a little less like a ball.